I'm not even sure where to start.
Today is one of those days where it feels like something is about to go wrong and you just can't put your finger on it.
I had a bittersweet morning at MOPS. It's over until the end of September and I can't tell you how much those meetings every other Friday mean to me. One of my dearest friends isn't going to be able to run it anymore due to working full time now and that makes my heart hurt a little. We don't see each other often and I enjoy seeing her those 2 guaranteed times every month.
We went to the allergist this afternoon for Tiergan just to see if there were any promenint allergies for him. While there were no food allergies, we found out that he's allergic to cats and dogs. Not significantly enough that he's ill around them but it definitly attributes to some symptoms that he has that I never would have put much thought into. I don't want to elaborate right now but we have a nasal saline spray to give him to start him breathing a little better over night. Did I mention we have had dogs since before he was born?
After that I went right to work for 3 hours. It was so busy, just like yesterday. I helped 2 moms with their mei tai questions and talked to a couple people about wraps and sold a tonne of diapers. It was great but non stop and I was on my feet except for maybe a 10 min rest.
Right after I was off, my husband, the boys and I drove down to our new home. We are renting it as of July 10th and had to sign everything tonight. I'm not sure why, but this brings up overwhelming emotion in me. I love the house. I love the backyard. The master bedroom and ensuite is amazing. I think because I'm comparing our stuff to theirs. We don't have a nice bedframe. Hell, we don't even have a bedframe for our queen bed. We don't have gorgeous comfortable couches and a immaculate dark wood 8 seater dining table. We have a sectional that we got for 75$ off of kijiji and 2 small ikea dining tables pushed together to make a bigger one.
They are moving to a bigger house to START a family. We are hoping to raise ours in this one. They have great careers, make decent money and are amazing people. I can honestly see us having a good relationship with them. So why do I almost feel like a failure? My husband is overjoyed with the house and like I said, I love it too, I just can't keep myself from comparing myself to them.
It's interesting because I'm trying to rid my attachment to "stuff". In the process of moving out of our old place I got rid of BAGS of clothes from both myself and our 2 boys. We donated and sold toys, threw out anything broken. Yet I look in boxes at my parents house and have no idea what's in them or where to start when organizing, and I dread the unpacking. I don't want my boys to learn this habit of clutter and borderline hoarding that both my husband and I have learned from our upbringing but I'm at a loss how to stop the cycle.
I will be 35 weeks pregnant when we move. I didn't think this bothered me but it's something that's been in the back of my mind lately. I've been so busy that I feel like I'm rarely connecting with this little being growing inside me. After we went to the house tonight the boys played at a park down the street, I sat on a bench in the sun and closed my eyes. I haven't had a moment to just enjoy my body like that in a very long time. I felt beautiful and pregnant and felt baby move around I felt relaxed. I don't know what it's like to feel relaxed like that lately. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm not sure why. I start resenting my kids and my husband because I'm exhausted/stressed/anxious and I hate that.
I'm not sure where I was going with this.
I think I probably did too much today.
I also got a sh&#ty email that irritated me. I am also dealing with a family issue that shouldn't even be an issue. A comment, a misunderstanding and an accusation before asking a question.
So that's my day.
Emotion after emotion. Up and down, repeat, repeat.
I am also exhausted from 3 straight nights of restless sleep and disturbing dreams.
I need to find something for me in these last 2 months of pregnancy. I think I've lost that and I need it for my own sanity.
My body is telling me I need some food so I guess I'm done. Maybe I'll try to blog more often.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Circumcision; what they didn't tell me
After almost 4 years, I finally have the courage to write this. It's been on my heart forever and even more so since my second son was born almost a year ago.
When I was pregnant with T, I, like many women pregnant with a boy, was asked "Are you going to circumsize?". I actually think my own Dr was against it because she never presented a single pro/con, it was just a routine question that I'm sure she asked every mom. My response when she asked me was "No". It was simple. I didn't want to see my baby go through something like that, it cost 200$, and I just didn't feel the need to. My mom, who was (and I hope not now) pro-circ, could not believe that I would not consider it. I gave her my reasons, and for her, they were not good enough. I had researched every other decision I had made, but not this one, and my 2 reasons just didn't cut it for her. She came up with every horror story about boys having it done at 4 years old, or elderly men having it done, I was never quite convinced but when she said that her and my dad would pay for it and my dad would go in the room with him for the procedure, I basically agreed to get her off my back.
The day of the procedure was nothing special. I nursed and wore my 10 day old like normal and we went to the office where it was done. My dad stayed with T and when it was over he brought me out a baby with hardly any tears on his face but my dad looked shook up. The nurse told me how to care for it then I nursed T and we went home. After dinner I went to take off his diaper to get ready for bed and his diaper was FULL of blood. I was aware that some bleeding was normal but for his diaper to have so much blood in it that it was no longer absorbing, that didn't seem normal. I took off the blood soaked guaze and found a spot where the blood was spurting out of. I lost my mind. I called my mom to take us to the hospital because I couldn't drive yet due to my post partum swelling/stitches. We arrived at the hospital and T didn't seem to be in any pain. He wasn't crying or even slightly fussy. I just kept nursing and holding him. We were shown to a room almost immediatly because it was quite serious. A nurse checked his vitals and a Dr came in to assess. We were then told that an artery had been knicked during the circumcision. I must have had guilt written all over my face because the nurse was quite kind to me. They took blood from T to run some tests because they wanted to make sure he didn't have a blood clotting disorder as well as some other things. I can't remember all that happened because it was such a blur. In between tests I held him and nursed him. It was all I could do. I remember my mom saying "I've never heard of such a thing happening" in complete disbelief. After all, she had put the pressure on for me to do this. When everything had come back normal, the Dr said that he had to cauterize the wound. In layman's terms, burn it shut. He was put on his back on a bad while I held his arms and had my face close to his while the further mutilated his penis. He screamed for a second and then it was over. I held him and nursed him. It was all I could do.
I don't remember much about the days or weeks after. He was lucky to have no further complications. I do remember going to see my Dr and she said she had never seen anything like that and there was empathy in her eyes because she knew I initially didn't want to do it. I blamed my mom for a long time. I blamed the 65 year old Dr with shakey hands who shouldn't be practising still. I now blame myself.
I am lucky that T developed into a happy, wonderful child who is now a loving big brother. He's never had any signs of PSTD however I wouldn't be surprised if they ever did develop. Our 11 month old is not circumsized. I don't think anyone, including my Dr even asked me if I was considering it. I remember reading a part in Jenny McCarthy's book about circumcision, she said that she wanted her son to have a "pretty penis". It disgusted me because my now almost 4 year old has a scar and excess skin on one side. I will have to explain to him one day what happened and I'm fearing the worst. "Why would you do that to me mum". I dread it.
So post this everywhere. Send this link to every mum who is pregnant with a boy or might have to make this decision.
Yes, I regret doing it, but I'm hoping that some of my own healing can come from sharing this and maybe change even one person's mind.
Honestly yours,
Me
When I was pregnant with T, I, like many women pregnant with a boy, was asked "Are you going to circumsize?". I actually think my own Dr was against it because she never presented a single pro/con, it was just a routine question that I'm sure she asked every mom. My response when she asked me was "No". It was simple. I didn't want to see my baby go through something like that, it cost 200$, and I just didn't feel the need to. My mom, who was (and I hope not now) pro-circ, could not believe that I would not consider it. I gave her my reasons, and for her, they were not good enough. I had researched every other decision I had made, but not this one, and my 2 reasons just didn't cut it for her. She came up with every horror story about boys having it done at 4 years old, or elderly men having it done, I was never quite convinced but when she said that her and my dad would pay for it and my dad would go in the room with him for the procedure, I basically agreed to get her off my back.
The day of the procedure was nothing special. I nursed and wore my 10 day old like normal and we went to the office where it was done. My dad stayed with T and when it was over he brought me out a baby with hardly any tears on his face but my dad looked shook up. The nurse told me how to care for it then I nursed T and we went home. After dinner I went to take off his diaper to get ready for bed and his diaper was FULL of blood. I was aware that some bleeding was normal but for his diaper to have so much blood in it that it was no longer absorbing, that didn't seem normal. I took off the blood soaked guaze and found a spot where the blood was spurting out of. I lost my mind. I called my mom to take us to the hospital because I couldn't drive yet due to my post partum swelling/stitches. We arrived at the hospital and T didn't seem to be in any pain. He wasn't crying or even slightly fussy. I just kept nursing and holding him. We were shown to a room almost immediatly because it was quite serious. A nurse checked his vitals and a Dr came in to assess. We were then told that an artery had been knicked during the circumcision. I must have had guilt written all over my face because the nurse was quite kind to me. They took blood from T to run some tests because they wanted to make sure he didn't have a blood clotting disorder as well as some other things. I can't remember all that happened because it was such a blur. In between tests I held him and nursed him. It was all I could do. I remember my mom saying "I've never heard of such a thing happening" in complete disbelief. After all, she had put the pressure on for me to do this. When everything had come back normal, the Dr said that he had to cauterize the wound. In layman's terms, burn it shut. He was put on his back on a bad while I held his arms and had my face close to his while the further mutilated his penis. He screamed for a second and then it was over. I held him and nursed him. It was all I could do.
I don't remember much about the days or weeks after. He was lucky to have no further complications. I do remember going to see my Dr and she said she had never seen anything like that and there was empathy in her eyes because she knew I initially didn't want to do it. I blamed my mom for a long time. I blamed the 65 year old Dr with shakey hands who shouldn't be practising still. I now blame myself.
I am lucky that T developed into a happy, wonderful child who is now a loving big brother. He's never had any signs of PSTD however I wouldn't be surprised if they ever did develop. Our 11 month old is not circumsized. I don't think anyone, including my Dr even asked me if I was considering it. I remember reading a part in Jenny McCarthy's book about circumcision, she said that she wanted her son to have a "pretty penis". It disgusted me because my now almost 4 year old has a scar and excess skin on one side. I will have to explain to him one day what happened and I'm fearing the worst. "Why would you do that to me mum". I dread it.
So post this everywhere. Send this link to every mum who is pregnant with a boy or might have to make this decision.
Yes, I regret doing it, but I'm hoping that some of my own healing can come from sharing this and maybe change even one person's mind.
Honestly yours,
Me
Friday, January 22, 2010
Low Wash
My first post isn't going to be about who I am or what this blog is about, it's about a sign that went on while I was driving home this morning from a MOPS meeting. I heard a ding and looked down to see my "low wash" light had come on. I always chuckle when I see this come on because i remember the first time i saw it.
As a girl who's dad always did everything with the vehicles i had no idea what low wash meant. i had called my boyfriend (at the time) in a panic, "what does low wash mean?!" i fondly remember the long silence that came after and then a genuinely confused "what?". "low wash! it's on my dashboard", "oh. ok, it means your windshield washer fluid is low". I remember the duh feeling that washed over me as i thanked him and hung up the phone, i can only imagine what he was thinking. I digress though, it's a funny story, but that's not what I was thinking about when this sign came on.
I started thinking about our conversation at MOPS and how a lot of women today won't ask for help. We all seem to think that we have to take the weight of the world on and balance it on our head without asking for some assistance. I'm guilty. However once, when I did ask for help, no one really did and it's deterred me from doing so ever since. So when the Low Wash sign came on, it really struck me. Our vehicles are able to tell us when they need something. They have an annoying noise to remind you that your keys are still in the ignition, lights, dings and dongs to tell you when you're overheating or a fluid is low, tells you specifically to check your oil or your engine. And we listen! (Or we get our husband/dad/brother to check it out) Not only do pay attention to what the dashboard tells us, but we also pay attention to how it runs on a daily basis. If your brakes start squeaking, your headlight goes out or your tire goes flat, you do something about it.
So I ask you, if you had a sign come on today (or yesterday, or last week), what would it be?
Check Laundry Level
Low Energy
Overdoing it
Assistance Needed
Send Food
Need a Friend
Low H20 Level
Caution: Angry
Would you give yourself a check over if you discovered yourself feeling unwell/sad/angry? Would you call a friend to help you deal with the problem? You wouldn't leave yourself to break down on the side of the road with your car, so why was I sobbing in my car at a stop light while I was thinking about this? Because we just don't ask. As moms and women we GIVE. That's a great thing most of the time but when we don't check in every so many miles for our own tune up, we can get run down.
So my friends, I'm asking you to make a conscious effort to ASK. Be specific, be greatful, and most important, don't feel guilty. Chances are, you've done something nice for someone in the past and you deserve some good karma. If you're in a good place, DO something. Sometimes friends aren't so good at asking but you know they would love to come home to a vaccumed house, a meal at their door or a kid free morning, so just do it. Demand house keys, drop off food or arrange a playdate and tell them they are not required to be there. Whether you need help or are giving time, it all comes full circle. The most important thing though, is to ASK. It always seems like people are willing to help, but they need to know which specific thing would be most appreciated. Is it going for a coffee, or child care? TELL US!
If I had a sign today, it would be flashing "caution, stressed, may implode" or it would just clearly say "sad". What would yours be?
Honestly Yours,
Me
As a girl who's dad always did everything with the vehicles i had no idea what low wash meant. i had called my boyfriend (at the time) in a panic, "what does low wash mean?!" i fondly remember the long silence that came after and then a genuinely confused "what?". "low wash! it's on my dashboard", "oh. ok, it means your windshield washer fluid is low". I remember the duh feeling that washed over me as i thanked him and hung up the phone, i can only imagine what he was thinking. I digress though, it's a funny story, but that's not what I was thinking about when this sign came on.
I started thinking about our conversation at MOPS and how a lot of women today won't ask for help. We all seem to think that we have to take the weight of the world on and balance it on our head without asking for some assistance. I'm guilty. However once, when I did ask for help, no one really did and it's deterred me from doing so ever since. So when the Low Wash sign came on, it really struck me. Our vehicles are able to tell us when they need something. They have an annoying noise to remind you that your keys are still in the ignition, lights, dings and dongs to tell you when you're overheating or a fluid is low, tells you specifically to check your oil or your engine. And we listen! (Or we get our husband/dad/brother to check it out) Not only do pay attention to what the dashboard tells us, but we also pay attention to how it runs on a daily basis. If your brakes start squeaking, your headlight goes out or your tire goes flat, you do something about it.
So I ask you, if you had a sign come on today (or yesterday, or last week), what would it be?
Check Laundry Level
Low Energy
Overdoing it
Assistance Needed
Send Food
Need a Friend
Low H20 Level
Caution: Angry
Would you give yourself a check over if you discovered yourself feeling unwell/sad/angry? Would you call a friend to help you deal with the problem? You wouldn't leave yourself to break down on the side of the road with your car, so why was I sobbing in my car at a stop light while I was thinking about this? Because we just don't ask. As moms and women we GIVE. That's a great thing most of the time but when we don't check in every so many miles for our own tune up, we can get run down.
So my friends, I'm asking you to make a conscious effort to ASK. Be specific, be greatful, and most important, don't feel guilty. Chances are, you've done something nice for someone in the past and you deserve some good karma. If you're in a good place, DO something. Sometimes friends aren't so good at asking but you know they would love to come home to a vaccumed house, a meal at their door or a kid free morning, so just do it. Demand house keys, drop off food or arrange a playdate and tell them they are not required to be there. Whether you need help or are giving time, it all comes full circle. The most important thing though, is to ASK. It always seems like people are willing to help, but they need to know which specific thing would be most appreciated. Is it going for a coffee, or child care? TELL US!
If I had a sign today, it would be flashing "caution, stressed, may implode" or it would just clearly say "sad". What would yours be?
Honestly Yours,
Me
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