I'm not even sure where to start.
Today is one of those days where it feels like something is about to go wrong and you just can't put your finger on it.
I had a bittersweet morning at MOPS. It's over until the end of September and I can't tell you how much those meetings every other Friday mean to me. One of my dearest friends isn't going to be able to run it anymore due to working full time now and that makes my heart hurt a little. We don't see each other often and I enjoy seeing her those 2 guaranteed times every month.
We went to the allergist this afternoon for Tiergan just to see if there were any promenint allergies for him. While there were no food allergies, we found out that he's allergic to cats and dogs. Not significantly enough that he's ill around them but it definitly attributes to some symptoms that he has that I never would have put much thought into. I don't want to elaborate right now but we have a nasal saline spray to give him to start him breathing a little better over night. Did I mention we have had dogs since before he was born?
After that I went right to work for 3 hours. It was so busy, just like yesterday. I helped 2 moms with their mei tai questions and talked to a couple people about wraps and sold a tonne of diapers. It was great but non stop and I was on my feet except for maybe a 10 min rest.
Right after I was off, my husband, the boys and I drove down to our new home. We are renting it as of July 10th and had to sign everything tonight. I'm not sure why, but this brings up overwhelming emotion in me. I love the house. I love the backyard. The master bedroom and ensuite is amazing. I think because I'm comparing our stuff to theirs. We don't have a nice bedframe. Hell, we don't even have a bedframe for our queen bed. We don't have gorgeous comfortable couches and a immaculate dark wood 8 seater dining table. We have a sectional that we got for 75$ off of kijiji and 2 small ikea dining tables pushed together to make a bigger one.
They are moving to a bigger house to START a family. We are hoping to raise ours in this one. They have great careers, make decent money and are amazing people. I can honestly see us having a good relationship with them. So why do I almost feel like a failure? My husband is overjoyed with the house and like I said, I love it too, I just can't keep myself from comparing myself to them.
It's interesting because I'm trying to rid my attachment to "stuff". In the process of moving out of our old place I got rid of BAGS of clothes from both myself and our 2 boys. We donated and sold toys, threw out anything broken. Yet I look in boxes at my parents house and have no idea what's in them or where to start when organizing, and I dread the unpacking. I don't want my boys to learn this habit of clutter and borderline hoarding that both my husband and I have learned from our upbringing but I'm at a loss how to stop the cycle.
I will be 35 weeks pregnant when we move. I didn't think this bothered me but it's something that's been in the back of my mind lately. I've been so busy that I feel like I'm rarely connecting with this little being growing inside me. After we went to the house tonight the boys played at a park down the street, I sat on a bench in the sun and closed my eyes. I haven't had a moment to just enjoy my body like that in a very long time. I felt beautiful and pregnant and felt baby move around I felt relaxed. I don't know what it's like to feel relaxed like that lately. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm not sure why. I start resenting my kids and my husband because I'm exhausted/stressed/anxious and I hate that.
I'm not sure where I was going with this.
I think I probably did too much today.
I also got a sh&#ty email that irritated me. I am also dealing with a family issue that shouldn't even be an issue. A comment, a misunderstanding and an accusation before asking a question.
So that's my day.
Emotion after emotion. Up and down, repeat, repeat.
I am also exhausted from 3 straight nights of restless sleep and disturbing dreams.
I need to find something for me in these last 2 months of pregnancy. I think I've lost that and I need it for my own sanity.
My body is telling me I need some food so I guess I'm done. Maybe I'll try to blog more often.
We just found out Matthew is allergic to cats and dogs too. It is mostly just a nasal issue so he is suppose to take an allergy pill evertime he is exposed. He also has an inhaler he takes everyday. But he doesnt seem to have an issue with our cat. Someone told me that we become immune to our own animals. It seems to be the case.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your feelings about not having what other people have, at the end of the day, none of that matters. yes it may be comfortable and look nice, but it doesnt compare to what you already have. All the material stuff that you deserve will come in time. Take care of yourself and try not to stress yourself too much.
Tanya